There is no feeling quite like getting the call that a loved one has died.
It’s surreal.
It’s heart breaking.
It’s EXTREMELY difficult to describe unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
Interestingly, divorce has a similar impact. And it doesn’t matter how old you are….when you get the news that your parents are either getting divorced or have finalized their divorce….it’s almost like getting that call that a loved one has died.
It’s surreal.
It’s heart breaking.
It’s EXTREMELY difficult to describe unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
But here I am…age 33, married with three beautiful children and a fourth child awaiting to make his debut in April of 2016, and my parents are officially divorced.
Today, when the judge slammed down his gavel for the last time…it marked the death of my parents marriage and a new reality both of my parents are going to have to face and live with until their dying day.
I won’t go into the details of why this divorce came about but we’ll just say that the Lifetime Channel probably couldn’t craft a story quite as complex as this one. Nor could they do it justice to capture the emotion, and devastating impact it has brought upon my family as a whole. And I will be perfectly blunt…this is not directed at both of my parents as both parents were not equally responsible for this situation. They both shared in the journey to get here…but only one refused to seek restoration and redemption.
I’ve waited a while to write this post….though it’s been probably several years in the making. But I felt I needed to at least get this out on paper.
But let me get straight to the point here…divorce is an act of murder.
In the Bible, the act of marriage is literally seen as two persons becoming one flesh:
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. | Mark 10:7-8 ESV
So when a divorce occurs, it is literally destroying the one flesh that has been brought together in the sight of God and witnesses…and it’s being done intentionally.
It is an act of murder.
And it doesn’t just kill your marriage though.
It kills your character. You are effectively made into a liar. You demonstrate, through divorce, that your word doesn’t actually mean anything. You took vows on your wedding day before God and witnesses and can apparently walk away from them without issue. So your character is defiled…it is effectively killed.
It kills your family. No, I’m sorry….You don’t just get to sit there and say that this is between the two of you. It is not. I’m 33 years old, and I have kids….your grandchildren…and I have to explain to them why you are a liar and cannot keep your word…and why you are walking away from nearly 40 years of marriage. And I’m not the only one in this family. It extends to your other adult children and their families….to nephews, nieces, in-laws, and family friends. They are all looking on, and they are all impacted at varying levels.
It kills your relationships. Things will never be as they were before. We will never likely be as close as we once were. You will not be as involved with my children as you once were, especially if you continue on the path that you have chosen. The same goes for all the other relationships you once had.
It kills special events (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.). Now we are in an awkward position. Do we invite you to birthday parties? Where will we spend the holidays? Do we want you at other special events in our lives? You’ve taken what should be joyous moments in our families history and turned it into some of the most awkward and painful moments of our families history.
It kills your testimony. I was raised in a Christian home as a pastors kid. Do not think for one moment that this doesn’t call into question the years of ministry and counsel that has been provided. Maybe not for all, or even most, but some will. And understandably so.
Divorce, next to abortion, is the second most common act of murder in this nation. And both are widely accepted and acted upon as easily as how we wake up and decide what clothes to wear.
I had hoped to live out my days proud to say that I came from a whole home. That we were untouched by the defilement of divorce. But I can’t say that now. My home is now broken. And we have a long road ahead of us.
But there have been positives in this.
My mother has grown closer to God in a way that she has never before experienced in her lifetime. She has come into her own and found her identity in Christ.
It has strengthened my resolve to honor my word to my wife and to God, and to strive to be an example to my children as to what a whole and healthy home looks like.
It has given me a new footing in ministry for people from broken homes as I can now relate at a new level. I can speak to the heartache. I can speak to the difficult decisions that come after divorce. I can speak to people at a deeper level of understanding than I would have otherwise had before.
And in spite of it all…I don’t blame God one bit. This wasn’t His doing. He is not to blame. He showed us what marriage was to look like. He was there on the day those vows were given. And He was there on the day those vows were broken.
And He is a God of redemption and restoration. And this story isn’t over. Like I said…we have a long road ahead of us….but I’m believing that God is a God who keeps His word when he says:
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. | Romans 8:28 NLT
Never turn your back on family, never let your anger dictate your thoughts or actions. You have done both of these Brad .
First, I’m not sure who this is. But based on the comment I can only assume it’s someone who knows me, my parents, or both.
Second, it’s awfully presumptuous of you to assume that I have turned my back on family and acted in anger. Nor did I even provide details in my article as to what actions I have personally taken.
But I can say that my actions have come from a place of protection for my wife and kids (which is my charge biblically to protect, and no one else’s) and not a place of anger.
Was I angry? Sure. Have I forgiven? Yes. But forgiveness doesn’t equal trust or equal going back to the way things were.
If anything, and trying not to sound haughty here, but I’m one of the only people in my family speaking truth into the situation because I actually love my parents enough to speak the truth.
But if we want to talk about turning our backs on family, divorce and adultery ranks up there as one of the highest forms.
Again, my actions have been spurred on by a desire to speak truth and out of love and concern for my parents. To suggest otherwise, frankly, is offensive, especially when you speak in a way that suggests that you know my heart and motives.
This response is for Judy. I think you are wrong on both accusations you made towards Brad. I am very close to the situation and I can tell you that Brad loves both of his parents dearly and that he is greatly concerned about the choices his father has made and the destruction it has caused in their family unit, all of which could have been avoided had his father made the biblical choice to seek help in his marriage and work towards healing and restoration instead of the choices he did make.
Brad’s choices have not been out of anger but out of a deep love and concern for both parents. He feels he is doing what he is commanded to do, as indicated by his response. He has to do what he feels is best for his family, and only he can determine that. Brad is not the one who turned his back on his family, his father did.
The issues in their marriage, from what I have learned, were not insurmountable. Rather than sitting back and saying this is just between the husband and wife, family and friends should have been going to his father, encouraging him to seek help and healing in his marriage. It isn’t just between the husband and wife. It has devastating affects on the family unit as well as causing many who once sat under his father’s ministry to question the things he taught.
We are commanded to go to our brother in love when they have fallen into deep sin such as this, not stand by and watch. The silence only gives confirmation to the person in sin that they are justified and that they don’t have any issues and that they don’t need help. It is my belief that if more people would have gone to Brad’s father and talked to him about the choices he was making, instead of quietly standing by, perhaps he would have begun to feel the convicting spirit of the Lord and sought forgiveness both from the Lord and his wife, as well as healing and restoration. Instead he chose to continue in his sin. And anyone living this deeply in sin cannot at the same time be having a healthy relationship with the Lord. If they think they are, Satan has won a great battle.
Regardless of the issues his wife may have or does have (and I have been told they were emotional issues), that in no way gives biblical grounds for the choices Brad’s father made.
Before making the accusations you did in your comments to Brad, did you ever try to talk to Brad or his mother to get a more complete picture of what was going on or did you just jump to your own judgments and conclusions and go on the attack? My instincts tell me you did neither.